"Changing Your Life"

            There’s a balance and a tension in life between appreciating our lives as they are and yearning for them to be better. 

            On the one hand, I think it’s terribly important for us to be grateful for all of the good things in our lives, and many of us have so much for which to be grateful. I keep a personal journal, and at the end of every year - - it’s a ritual of sorts, I suppose - - I read through not only everything I’ve written during the past year, but everything I’ve written during the past several years. What struck me as I read through this chronicle of my life during this past week is how much I have to be grateful for in my life. To steal a line some of us may have heard recently, it really is a wonderful life.

            On the other hand, I don’t think it’s a bad thing for us to be at least slightly dissatisfied with our lives, to believe that they might even be somehow better than they are now. In the liberal religious tradition, spiritual growth is considered to be a lifelong task, and speaking personally, I think if I ever achieved any degree of personal perfection, I’d get bored with my life quite quickly. My wife says that’s a purely hypothetical possibility, so I shouldn’t spend too much time worrying about it.     But as I said, I don’t think a little dissatisfaction is a bad thing, so I don’t think New Year’s resolutions are too much of a bad thing either.

            I recently read about half of adults in the United States make New Year’s Resolutions, and the most popular ones aren’t surprising at all. I bet you can guess most of them. What do you think they are?…Lose weight. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Quit smoking. Quit drinking. Get out of debt. Save more money. Get organized. Enjoy life more. Spend more time with family and friends. Get along more with family and friends. Learn something new. Help others more.

            I also happen to know - - if 2012 is like most other years - - most of the people who have made New Year’s Resolutions for this year will give them up by Valentines’ Day.

            While lots of people say they want to change their lives in some way, it seems that far fewer people are actually successful at it, even when it seems to be really important. In a book I read a few years ago titled Change or Die, the journalist Alan Deutschman, asks:

            What if you were given that choice, [to change or to die]? For real. What if it weren’t just the hyperbolic rhetoric that conflates corporate performance with life or death? Not the overblown exhortations of a rabid boss, or a maniacal coach, or a slick motivational speaker, or a self-dramatizing chief executive officer or political leader. We’re talking actual life and death now. Your own life and death. What if a well-informed, trusted authority figure said you had to make difficult and enduring changes in the way you think, feel, and act? If you didn’t you time would end soon - - a lot sooner than it had to. Could you change when change really mattered? When it mattered most?”

            It seems that for many people the answer would be no. For example, in his book, Deutschman writes about a group of people who faced exactly this choice - - a group of women and men who had undergone coronary by-pass surgery and were told if they wanted to prolong their own lives, they would have to stop smoking, stop drinking, stop overeating, start exercising, and reduce stress. Two years later, Deutschman says, 90 percent of them hadn’t changed their lifestyle.

            Yet some people do manage to change their lives, sometimes just keeping simple New Year’s Resolutions and sometimes making truly drastic changes - - completely changing their lifestyles, even their ways of being in the world. Some of you here this morning, I’m sure, can make that claim.

            For me, this isn’t just a theoretical issue.

            You see, as most of you know, in 2011, I had a six-month sabbatical, and I decided this would be a wonderful opportunity to make some needed changes in my life. One of the big ones that I wanted to make was to start taking better care of myself by eating healthier and exercising more. The truth is, I was pretty successful. I lost 25 pounds and got into good enough shape through exercising to complete a triathlon at the end of July. I felt better than I had in years.

            When I came back to church in August, I was proud of myself for what I had accomplished and I was also committed to continuing my healthier lifestyle. I’ve been somewhat successful, but I’ve also faced some challenges. I haven’t quit exercising, but I’m not exercising as much as I’d like. Over the holidays, I also gained back some of the weight that I’d lost, which was really disappointing.

            There’s other changes in my life that I’m struggling with as well.

            The question I want to pose for our consideration this morning are, “How can we change our lives? What can we do to make it more likely that we’ll succeed? What’s the difference between those individuals who are able to make successful long-term changes in their lives and those who aren’t?”

            Over the years, I’ve read a lot of books on personal change, and this is what I know.

            In his book, Change or Die, Alan Deutschman says that we most likely try to get ourselves and other people to change in our society using the three Fs - - facts, fear, or force. None of these, he says, work well. We do a pretty good job of ignoring facts, denying fear, and resisting force.

            I know, though, that we are more likely to make successful, long-term changes in our lives when we have a sense of hope.

            Hope, I believe, is perhaps the most important things. I think one reason twelve-step groups are so effective is that they offer hope. When people walk into a meeting for the first time, they meet other people who have successfully dealt with the same issue that they are struggling with. I believe anytime we contemplate making a change in our lives, it’s important for us to surround ourselves with the stories of other people who have overcome similar changes.

            I know that we are more likely to make successful, long-term changes in our lives when we have a vision - - a mental picture and a fleshed out story that we can tell ourselves about what we would like our lives to be like.

            I know that we are more likely to make successful, long-term changes in our lives when we decide to change our lives for the right reasons.

            Sometimes it’s hard to figure out whether we’re doing something because we want to do it or somebody else wants us to do it, but if we can figure this out, we should never make changes in our lives because we think it might make us more worthy of anybody else’s love, respect, or approval. All of are already worthy of love just as we are, no matter what, and if we ever try to change to make somebody else happy, not only will we probably fail, we’ll probably end up feeling resentful too. I’ve come to believe that that only real reason to make a change in our lives is to make ourselves happier, because we believe it will lead us, as I’m apt to say, to a deeper, fuller, richer, more abundant, more satisfying experience of life for ourselves.

            I know that we are more likely to make successful, long-term changes in our lives when there’s a sense of urgency about the change, a sense that the change is more important than anything else in our lives and that’s it’s important to do something about it now.

            This is where I often fall short. It’s so easy for me to tell myself, “It’s really more important that you get this done today than exercise, and besides, there’s always tomorrow,” but then there’s something else the next day and tomorrow becomes the day after that.

            I know that we’re more likely to make successful, long-term changes in our lives when we take responsibility for our own lives, when we come to believe that there is only one person who is ultimately responsible for our lives, and that is us.

            We can blame our genetics, our parents, our spouses, our children, other people, the government, our jobs, but I know for myself, it’s only when I tell myself, “No matter how you got into this situation, the only one who is going to get you out of it is you,” that I have any hope of changing.

            I know that we’re more likely to make successful, long-term changes in our lives when we commit ourselves to very specific actions and goals. Not “I’m going to get into better shape,” but “I’m going to exercise for 30 minutes five days a week.” Not “I’m going to start saving more money,” but “I’m going to put $250 a month into savings.” Not “I’m going to spend more time with my spouse,” but “We’re going to have a date night once a month.”

            I know that we’re more likely to make successful long-term changes when we take small steps at a time.

            There’s a Chinese proverb that says a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Mark Twain said similarly, “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.”

            There’s some good reasons for taking small steps. First, if we don’t, we’ll never get started at all. Any change will seem too overwhelming and unmanageable.       I’ve  heard about writers who say the task of writing a book seems too daunting, but writing 500 words a day is doable. In the same way, I’ve had twelve-step-program participants tell me the task of staying sober for a life-time seems like an impossibility, but the goal of staying sober for just one day isn’t quite as overwhelming.

            When we take the smallest steps possible, we’re also much more likely to be successful. Some recent studies show that we only have a limited reserve of willpower that we get to use every day. For example, if we have three difficult tasks that we have to do in any one day, and we use up all our, willpower, then we’re less likely to succeed on the second or, especially, the third task. This is why people who choose 10 New Year resolutions are usually less successful than people who choose just one. There are just so many difficult things we can do in a day.   

            However, if we do choose one thing, one small thing that is a little bit challenging for us, and we use our limited amount of willpower to do that, then eventually, over time, whatever we’re doing will probably become a habit. Once something does really become a habit - - and good habits are just as hard to break as bad habits - - then we can turn that limited amount of willpower that we have every day toward something else.

            I read in Reader’s Digest about one woman who decided to start flossing her teeth. At first, it was a tiresome task, and it took every ounce of her willpower to do it. But within a little less than a month, it became routine. That motivated her to try to change something else. She decided it she would stop eating sweets between meals. It took about another month. Then she decided she stop criticizing her husband. That took a full month. Then she decided she would start praising her children more often. That took a little less than a month.

            Within four months, she had started flossing, stopped eating sweets between meals, stop criticizing her husband, and started praising her kids more often, but only because she had started small and taken things one step at a time.

            I know that we’re more likely to make successful long-term changes when we track our progress and celebrate small victories. The good news for 2012 is that for almost every kind of resolution you can imagine, there’s a phone app to help you keep track of our progress.

            I know that we’re more likely to make successful long-term changes when we realize almost any change we make in our lives - - whether minor or major - - involves dealing with feelings of loss and feelings of fear. I think good questions to ask ourselves any time we’re thinking about making a change are, “What will I lose by making this change?” and “What about this change makes me afraid?” because even when we make very positive changes in our lives, there are some feelings of loss.

            If somebody has led a miserable life for 99 years, and on his 99^th birthday decides to make some positive changes, he may also feel like he’s invalidating 99 years of living, and that can feel like a loss.

            I know we’re more likely to make successful long-term changes in our lives when we don’t try to make them by ourselves.   As I said earlier, most people give up on their New Year resolutions by Valentine’s Day, but one recent study showed that when we tell at least one other person about a resolution, we’re more likely to be successful. If we belong to some type of small group - - whether it be a 12-step group or a Chalice Circle or any other kind of a group and tell them about the change, we’re even more likely to be successful.

            I know we’re more likely to make successful long-term changes in our lives when we pray about them or include them in some other individual religious practice that regularly re-orients us and reconnects us with the highest ideals for our lives. For me that’s what an individual religious practice is mostly about - - reorienting myself so I’m heading in the right direction. Though I also like to think of praying as like being in a boat in the middle of the ocean - - I can go so far by my own power, but if I point my rudder in the right direction and open my sails to something greater than my own individual strength, I can probably go a lot further.

            I know we’re more likely to make successful long-term changes in our lives when we realize we may not be successful on our first try, our second try, or even our third try.

            One wit once said, “If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average.” I suspect that what most distinguishes those who are able to make some successful, long-term changes in their lives from those who cannot is this - - an unwillingness to give in, an unwillingness to give up.

            There’s a Japanese proverb I like: “Fall down seven times. Get up eight times.” That’s where I am now, personally. Having fallen down, or at least stumbled, I’m getting myself back up again. And if I stumble again, I’ll get up again after that.

            Is there some change that you’d like to make in your life this year? Be hopeful. Picture it. Do it for yourself and nobody else. Know there’s only today and no tomorrow. Know it’s up to you more than anybody else. Get specific. Start small. Keep a record. Deal with the loss and the fear. Don’t do it alone. Pray. And most of all, don’t give up.

            May 2012 be a wonderful year full of good changes for us all, all those we love, and all those with whom we share this world. Amen.